English Jokes Selections

yeahyeah

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when
all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver
4 X7 {+ g2 `5 o! \7 \7 j$ P+ zto go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
* b) c9 K0 J3 l" o2 U* @5 {7 v7 ]About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle
' z7 W  d0 D: s, Dof wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and
torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the
3 E7 g) I- }$ I9 }) _: Cwine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad
" i3 @/ n, y( n" j' lpassionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The
! p% A( u) L1 qdriver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

A six-year-old girl asks her mother, - "Mommy, how old are you?"
% G) ^& w: t5 t/ q& N/ xThe mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. You
9 x: R/ ~% X% x7 p& nare not supposed to ask a woman her age."

+ p' _- r$ W% g( U2 `; h# b, JThen she asks, - " How much do you weigh?"
5 P0 Z9 R5 L6 o- }, _. t" |: j6 x
/ k; o" c1 Q; [" L1 vThe mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. People
don't want to be asked about their weight."
5 U& U6 i' Q$ n6 n
3 j3 n! l1 n( d- x4 B6 Y* hThe girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
* {9 h4 v* W& L. _9 j6 C$ A! [
The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you are
older, I'll tell you."

The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friend
# x9 t) z' i; ]5 ~$ q) ^about the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, -
2 E* |& p  H, K0 Y" H3 A3 g"That's easy!! Look at her driver's license. You can find all the
$ M, Z% u9 `' Binformation in there."

So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks at
" S9 g4 q7 Q+ ?; ^: g# Bit for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I
6 J2 T) L+ J5 j+ rknow how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You
0 k% s2 M; r/ s% p8 Xweigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an
. s0 C9 C; {- a$ _% ?"F" in sex! "
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
9 t8 ]' `; r9 ]4 V( D& \He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
% F# L6 W; N) s8 E2 b0 n1 o/ C$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on
/ M, M6 i) p2 o* ]5 Athe street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to
- n7 Z1 M- M6 p) j3 W( z, j! @accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into
) ^) [' c6 m; O6 ^- m+ S; Bthe bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the
businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to
$ }- o+ x0 N" H6 d$15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
; p1 K: i, V. G0 S* M) |3 {this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
3 [& S* i! v+ R) b- vyou were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
( V- a$ i  |$ ^( e. eWhat puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman
: _9 f8 ]" i, H, @9 [# Y$ Y3 Vreplied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
8 ?% w5 z5 \7 [3 @' S
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!
) N. w& d8 E8 ~7 t! j, w=--=
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
5 \+ b/ [) r* x" ^6 c- k/ Ystart all over!
) _7 A3 S! t; ^7 P1 Q0 l
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a
& ?0 m6 S# t  ?2 c' T: obreak from life, click on suspend.

/ i2 [. }! M6 r# `4 i. Q+ GHit "any key" to continue life when ready.
2 n- o. @3 a5 |1 ^8 D9 u% I
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
; \! r( p) {( f
; `! C% a  |: C* |To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

5 V* o8 d3 I* E% F$ ETo improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
; ~! W# x# {. x7 z& i9 z
# L  X$ f! ?  a+ v+ \& eIf life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
! t% i( q7 A9 I7 n/ L
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
# O7 b. Y  _/ c* O' A; d4 P. i
3 k8 w7 U- s0 b! q; S"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
+ J4 K( U3 V* `$ A$ m, a8 f$ a
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to
# _) A  j5 h4 C6 q; W) X3 orecover from a crash.

; ]' b6 \2 X# r7 O6 D4 QAnd, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to
YOU...

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
# s9 l1 y3 [8 I' }, t  y+ q4 Fsaid: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
  z5 k+ b' r- G, G2 ?& hover, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

" I- P; Y7 g6 nThe frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back
! R2 ?4 Y4 S& D) b# }9 W5 ginto a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave
you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

9 A6 O+ x2 d( uThe frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an
( ^# P3 F; x, A# P% ]3 Hentire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned
it to his pocket.
; y: y: @2 q2 m+ k- A
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.."
Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into
- P4 K& ^, n) X3 n) Z2 S, ]6 y; @his pocket.

( ?3 ^  Y# S8 N7 u# EFinally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
0 G+ ~; R3 ~1 v$ ~anything you want.   Why won't you kiss me?"

5 T2 S9 A2 D) d& MThe man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.
. I$ d4 R) ~3 j7 M/ O' W* C$ p, H
Subject:  The real "circle of life" - man's point of  view
  @. u8 c6 H( @7 r
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

9 f0 d6 W. T. pWhen I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but
1 J# l$ l# h- Lthere was no passion.  So I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life.  In college,
# ?% x/ c6 J' F7 uI dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I
4 ~) [& C' u# b0 M9 Q% q) u$ _( hdecided I needed a girl with some stability.
) G$ e2 B- o& O% A
+ Y' _( s/ P1 Q# P+ EWhen I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she
; y* ]! `( F6 O! @was boring.  She was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything.  Life became so dull
that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another,
7 u) q5 M& t& D! o7 z2 y1 B9 N- `2 Cnever settling on anything.  She did mad, impetuous
' e4 O# s3 P1 J4 Wthings and flirted with everyone she met.  She made
me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun
. c+ f3 e6 }0 o# z5 J4 i% sinitially and very energetic, but directionless.  So
6 V* S; G: d/ e; ~5 \2 mI decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with
! _6 M4 d( V' u  [, e5 c+ R  ~3 Fher feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
% R# H* A. t( Y- \She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
. i4 a9 e5 W5 L" I  ?5 yeverything I owned.
Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
  }: t0 B- C5 A% w& N
- Y* G# t9 h7 |2 ` BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

) H! s+ [& Z6 |& F" F1 g4 z* _4 O  SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
5 ?2 K- x% }8 I& w3 G" L5 ~% W( s  ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  
$ g* Q; ]8 U2 h7 o2 m3 i7 u  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
& N/ G. T+ u7 ]8 u- _  FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
( h- X( _. a4 v  ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
1 ]% W" ]6 x5 [% T, x6 K  
# ?+ H5 n- ?2 Q, Y( W5 y+ e; g  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:   Glass empty.
& e7 D, n" E4 ]- s' E* M" }; W  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
% Z1 o: A# P, l; k  
  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
& Z: w. d8 y) O+ U  FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.
, X- }. j; h- o2 X% R2 F! h  
  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
8 W& K  M8 Z6 i  ?# y9 E  FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
% c! z" a$ C6 S% }  ACTION:  See above.
% a, k+ g# q6 `1 I7 V, s  
9 v$ p/ N0 {+ |' T; b  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
# B, @1 ?0 Q# l' X5 d4 e  FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
. x- k9 `. {5 ^+ E- @6 i  ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  
$ A' m% `4 w& r2 Y7 v: }  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
8 C2 t( f! v% m2 `0 u! t, N* d& D  FAULT:   You are looking throUGh bottom of empty glass.
. C7 e: s* H' f, e& F5 J  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
/ T2 q  W2 Z- W  
  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT:   You are being carried out.
  ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  
  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
. }9 N7 E2 P& k" y( ]3 y' _  FAULT:   Bar has closed.
  o6 k+ u1 {. Z+ Z  ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.
  
0 S+ m# x) l" K: q* y- e; n  SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
( B0 F7 y" E' q  FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
! ]) [8 f5 ^8 x  B3 j8 H  ACTION:  Cover mouth.
0 ]" P/ s; h# I. q  |  
  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
; J7 Y# [6 {- j  ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
& `3 l1 ]  ?' ?" e  
& m$ m& u% e- X' O  Q  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
. x: L" b6 f9 U, H8 ]0 }6 Y  ACTION:  Punch him.
  
' T! r& _8 Q2 ?% ?1 B0 O+ \9 n1 O% m, j  SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
2 E/ }* `2 i2 l9 v" s% J  FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
! y' \7 m& q& {5 i' e$ ?# M/ v  
; f/ \4 Z* R% ?# V8 q. G' \" v9 d, d0 @  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:  See if they have free beer.
  F) K, C2 @. H( ^0 D4 {# _  
  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.
9 O  D( z6 q- @  c  I  
: T" g  }: Q* L$ @  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
; l/ c0 g3 [- H! s* ?  FAULT:   Beer is just right.
  ACTION:  Play air guitar.
8 z4 {: X  J/ a5 G, U( b$ r2 h